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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:28:18 GMT 10
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I betcha' cannot resist passing it on!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:32:22 GMT 10
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied: - "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had done it.
She replied: - "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked: - "Just how many peaches were in the can."
She replied: - "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said: - "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said: - "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said: - "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:35:04 GMT 10
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'. The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'." The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins ....
"One.... ,
two… ,
three… ,
four ...., ..."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:38:59 GMT 10
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' ___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' ___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:40:16 GMT 10
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man > walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. > One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry > Syndrome. > Those people walk just like that." > The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has > Zovitzki Syndrome. > He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." > Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. > They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical > students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't > agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" > The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine > medical students think." > The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." > The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." > The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." > The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." > So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?" > The old man said, > "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 10:41:43 GMT 10
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed a diaper-headed individual who looked Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?" “You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said, “That son of a next door still has my shovel.”
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 18:27:50 GMT 10
Q: How does every Islamic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder
Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden? A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest? A: Me neither.
Q: What do you call an evil Muslim? A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.
Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East? A: Dora the Exploder!
Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion? A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death
Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist? A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 18:31:07 GMT 10
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You sl*t! How many is a brazilian?"
Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? A: Who cares?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 18:35:42 GMT 10
Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic girlfriend and a Hispanic wife? A: 45 lbs.
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have a competitive Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 14, 2016 18:41:11 GMT 10
Q. What happens when you sing country music backwards? A. You get your wife and dog back.
Q. Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? A. The Country!
Q. What's the difference between Obama and God? A. God doesn't think he is Obama
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 15, 2016 10:09:42 GMT 10
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 15, 2016 10:15:34 GMT 10
Teacher: How old is your father? Kid: He is 6 years. Teacher: What? How is this possible? Kid: He became father only when I was born. Logic!! Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds _____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. _____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) _____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O ______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher
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Post by Peter on Jan 15, 2016 10:48:07 GMT 10
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher I guessed "politician".
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 15, 2016 17:50:36 GMT 10
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher I guessed "politician". I'd have said "wife", but better not in case I get into trouble - again!!!
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Ammo9
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Post by Ammo9 on Jan 15, 2016 18:45:31 GMT 10
This year I'm going to convert to islam.
(Keep in mind this is the jokes topic)
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 18, 2016 12:51:35 GMT 10
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. When he arrived at the first tee, he was alone; after all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this same time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then, Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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Ammo9
VIP Member
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Post by Ammo9 on Jan 18, 2016 13:36:38 GMT 10
The top 62 wealthiest in the world hold the same wealth as the bottom 50% of the world.
I'm not a communist but something just doesn't right about that.
Relevant cause it's a joke, just not a very funny one
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 20, 2016 19:11:01 GMT 10
Gary the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built, with the new lady owner. She was telling him what colours to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said, "This room is to be a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up." As he went back she told him the next room was to be an off-white.
The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up." Once back with her, she said "This one will be a pink colour."
And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up."
The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you the different colours but you always yell "Green side up".
What do you say that for?
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Kiwis laying turf out front."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 25, 2016 18:09:44 GMT 10
This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
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Post by Joey on Jan 30, 2016 11:48:02 GMT 10
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St... Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.
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