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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2016 21:51:47 GMT 10
A Muslim boy asks his mother, "Mama, what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?" Mother dressed in her Burkha says: "Well, son, Democracy is when the tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits, you know, like free housing, free healthcare, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centers, and so on, and so forth, you know that's a "Democracy". "But Mama, don't the tax payers get angry about that?" "Sure they do and that's what we call Racism!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2016 21:52:39 GMT 10
Something to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active! And for you younger ones, to get them growing!! > > 1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? > > 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? > > 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? > > 4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? > > 5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly? > > 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? > > 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? > > 8. What was the President’s Name...in 1975? > > 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? > > 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? > > 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? > > > > > Here are the Answers: (No peeking!) > > 1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? > > Answer: Johnny, of course. > > 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? > > Answer: Meat. > > 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? > > Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?] > > 4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? > > Answer: There is no dirt in a hole. > > 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? > > Answer: Incorrectly > > 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? > > Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere. > > 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? > > Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures. > > 8. What was the President's Name in 1975? > > Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...] > > 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? > > Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first. > > 10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? > > Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh] > > 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? > > Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2016 21:53:12 GMT 10
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2016 21:54:22 GMT 10
Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out.... > > See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common? > 1. Banana > 2. Dresser > 3. Grammar > 4. Potato > 5. Revive > 6. Uneven > 7. Assess > > > Give it another try.... > Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the Answer. This is so cool..... > > > > NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN > > No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.... > Answer is below! > > > Answer: > > In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. > > Did you figure it out?
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Feb 3, 2016 16:01:53 GMT 10
I took the family out to eat at AppleBees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited around 10 minutes for him to pull out and take the spot.
Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for that space and the driver says, "Too bad, your name wasn't on it."
I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate. Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter. I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 minutes after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that they had keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere else.
I DID NOT KEY THE CAR.
I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming, and even called the police.
BONUS: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were too damaged to drive. Cops left and circled back to watch the car. Girls come out, get in car, start the car, and the parking lot explodes in blue light. Busted! DUIs and PDs for all.
I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent & I kept a drunk driver off the streets.
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myrrph
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Post by myrrph on Feb 3, 2016 16:06:13 GMT 10
One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.
"What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me.
"We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped.
Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her head.
"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.
"Well, yes they do," I said cautiously.
I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."
I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.
"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"
My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..."
I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"
Well, I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once?
"Oh, well, . . . um," I stammered.
She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."
That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.
As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.
"I drew a picture of what I learned," she said. "Do you want to see?"
I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.
There, all puffed up, so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big male Turkey! His snood, the red thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.
She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique.
That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.
Every year I remember that conversation. And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, quite the same way since.
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myrrph
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trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
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Post by myrrph on Feb 3, 2016 16:15:52 GMT 10
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
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myrrph
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trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
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Post by myrrph on Feb 3, 2016 16:22:06 GMT 10
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 20:56:55 GMT 10
How many Afghans does it take to screw in a light bulb? It doesn't matter. The electricity has been off for at least a decade anyway!
After two days in the desert, Abdul's camel was about to collapse. "Saddam," Abdul ordered, "bring her over here to the watering hole!" Saddam brought the camel to the watering hole, but no matter what they did, the camel would not drink. Knowing that the camel would die if it did not drink, Abdul came up with an idea. "We will have to force the camel drink," Abdul explained, "Saddam, when I hold the camels head under the water, you start sucking through it's ar#ehole, and it will be forced to drink!" Knowing they would die if the camel didn't drink, Saddam went to the rear of the camel. As Abdul stuck the camel's head under the water, Saddam began sucking on the camel's ar@ehole. After a couple of minutes sucking on the ar*ehole, Saddam shouted to Abdul, "Lift her head a little, she's sucking mud!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 20:58:58 GMT 10
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (Associated Press Release) - A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al Saud, the King of Saudi Arabia.
The fire began in the Royal bathroom where both of the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.
A spokesman said the King was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 20:59:48 GMT 10
An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. "Your name please?" “Abdul Aziz” “Sex? ” “Six times a week!” “No, no, I mean male or female.” “Doesn’t matters, sometimes even camel.”
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:03:09 GMT 10
Ever since Fatima's husband installed a dish on their rooftop she wakes up in the morning soaking wet. She goes to the doctor who can find nothing wrong with her. "Do you sleep through the night?" He asks. "Yes," she replies. "Like a baby." Concerned, the doctor suggests she pretends to sleep that night but remain conscience. That night, she lay in bed pretending to be asleep when her husband Mohamed gets in next to her and turns on the TV. Flipping through the new satellite channels, every time he sees a European woman he turns to look at his wife and spits!
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:05:09 GMT 10
A sex therapist is travelling through the Middle East getting data on goat-sex.
First he visits Mahmud, an Iraqi goat herder on the outskirts of Baghdad. "Tell me" he says, "What method do you use for goat sex?" Mahmud replies, "Well I trap her head in a fig bush then attack from behind".
Next, the therapist goes to Egypt and visits Amar who works on the banks of the Nile, and asks him the same question. "Well" says Amar, I push her into the mud and when her back legs are stuck strong I grab her from behind and give it to her real good."
Finally he Visits Abdul in the Gaza strip and again asks the same question. Abdul answers, ""I stick her left front leg over my right shoulder and her right front leg over my left shoulder and as she stands on her back legs facing me ..."
"Hold on" interrupts the researcher, "this is unusual". "Unusual?" asks Abdul, "In what way?"
"Well," says the researcher, "all the other Arabs take the goat from behind, none of them face the sheep"
"What"! exclaims Abdul, "No kissing?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:06:19 GMT 10
I had a upsetting phone call in work: my mother phoned me and said there were Muslims in our family tree. I went straight home and I'm glad I did - they looked so good hanging from there.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:07:13 GMT 10
Ahmed's wife, unhappy with his mood swings, bought him one of those mood rings so she could monitor his mood.
She discovered that when Ahmed is in a good mood, it turns green and, when he's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:09:56 GMT 10
An Arab woman walks into a London shop and buys 1 egg, 1 bottle of milk and 1 sausage, the shopkeeper asks - "You're single, aren't you?"
"Yes," she replies, "how could you tell?"
"You're damn ugly!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:10:39 GMT 10
I shit myself last night at the airport - a frigging Palestinian rushed in screaming "Allah Allah Allah Allah .... allava coke and a bag of nuts please," the stuttering bastard.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2016 21:11:37 GMT 10
An Englishman, Frenchman, American and a Saudi on a plane going to the U.N. in New York when all of a sudden there's engine trouble!
The pilot says over the P.A. system that there's only one parachute onboard.
The Englishman, ever the gentleman steps up, opens the door, shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" And jumps.
The Frenchman, always the effin copycat steps up, goes to the door and shouts "VIVE LA FRANCE" and jumps into the abyss.
The yank then steps up, looks out the door at the two bodies gathering speed toward the ground, takes a step back then shouts "REMEMBER 9/11" and throws the Arab out the door
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Post by Peter on Feb 3, 2016 21:20:38 GMT 10
An Englishman, Frenchman, American and a Saudi on a plane going to the U.N. in New York when all of a sudden there's engine trouble! The pilot says over the P.A. system that there's only one parachute onboard. The Englishman, ever the gentleman steps up, opens the door, shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" And jumps. The Frenchman, always the effin copycat steps up, goes to the door and shouts "VIVE LA FRANCE" and jumps into the abyss. The yank then steps up, looks out the door at the two bodies gathering speed toward the ground, takes a step back then shouts "REMEMBER 9/11" and throws the Arab out the door This is the best joke I've ever seen on this forum. Brilliant.
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Post by Peter on Feb 4, 2016 10:33:15 GMT 10
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
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Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring .. So, at least I got home OK.
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered “ the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
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"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
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Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burgler sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
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A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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