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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 5, 2016 18:46:24 GMT 10
When is @#$% Acceptable?
There are only ten times in history where the"F"word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 5, 2016 18:47:31 GMT 10
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.
We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, heck no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in heck do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The fool says he can't communicate with me."
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 11, 2016 18:58:06 GMT 10
Tyrone was having trouble in school.
His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone, can't you learn anything!!?
One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her: "Honestly, your son is simply a disaster; he's getting very low marks in his exams; I've never taught such a stupid boy in my entire teaching career".
The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from the school and moved out of Brisbane, relocating to the Gold Coast.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but only 1 surgeon at the hospital could perform it. Left with no other options, she decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after her surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but then suddenly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, now a hospital janitor, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Bill Shorten in our next Federal Election.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 14, 2016 20:45:03 GMT 10
An Aussie Digger enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Singleton Barracks, NSW.
He tells the priest:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the ever-living crap out of a flag burning, cop-hating, Muslim Jihadist."
The priest says:
"My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 15, 2016 19:21:25 GMT 10
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
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Post by Joey on Feb 16, 2016 22:22:49 GMT 10
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia. Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie. White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Australia's third language.
Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice. Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government has told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.
Australian Deficit $10 trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally into the USA, but US President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India......
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Richmond Tigers won this year’s National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 2, 2016 19:57:12 GMT 10
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'.
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 2, 2016 20:02:44 GMT 10
Subject: Muhammad
From now on, I believe in the Prophet Muhammed....................... I decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it was all about: I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today." I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside --- and would you believe it,MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 2, 2016 20:09:14 GMT 10
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penis', but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society' After the curator left, a Welshman approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about? ''Why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.' Because I'm the bloke who painted the picture, 'he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
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Post by Peter on Mar 2, 2016 22:09:35 GMT 10
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'. At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock. Time well spent.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 6, 2016 18:37:15 GMT 10
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a - "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" - convention.
Helen Clark says, --- "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid.
Ken I hev a volunteer, please?
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him ---- "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?”
After 15 or 20 seconds Carlos says, ----- "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. All 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, -----
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Helen says, ---- "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one
place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we
ken guv hum another chance.”
So she asks, ----- "What uz siven plus siven?”
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ----"Ninety!”
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is
disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands
shouting, ---- "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, ---- "Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?”
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, ---"Four!”
Throughout the stadium there is pandemonium. All 50,000 Kiwis jump to their
feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream…
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 6, 2016 18:55:46 GMT 10
Four ladies meet 30 years after school at reunion. One goes to get the food while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari for a birthday present.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet on his birthday
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich, he built his best friend a castle as a birthday gift.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.
"Oh noooo!!" said the Lady, “He is doing very well. Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends".
Three of the ladies fainted.... (This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 8:49:41 GMT 10
Mick and Paddy went to Mount Isa...
One had to wait...Boom Boom...
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 8:55:40 GMT 10
Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? A: There's one less drunk.
Q: How does every Irish joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
Q: What do you call a big Irish spider? A: A Paddy long legs.
Q: What's the difference between Ireland and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman? A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Q: What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight? A: Liam Malone
Q: What do you call two gay Irish men? A: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Irish beauty contest? A: Me neither.
Q: What do you call an Irishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee.
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 6, 2016 22:34:53 GMT 10
Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that " my breasts are too small " . Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds 3 times every day.' Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts 3 times every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he said, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?' The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man.....
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 6, 2016 22:41:43 GMT 10
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump.........
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 6, 2016 22:49:47 GMT 10
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Apr 17, 2016 20:21:15 GMT 10
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside.
The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather. “What’s the matter? asked the Trooper. "Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you."
The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
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Post by Peter on Apr 17, 2016 21:01:09 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Apr 17, 2016 21:01:42 GMT 10
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