|
Post by Peter on May 19, 2016 10:29:45 GMT 10
Jay, you're the ultimate wingman. Thanks a heap.
|
|
remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
Posts: 4,399
Likes: 3,968
Email: remnant@ausprep.org
|
Post by remnantprep on May 19, 2016 10:32:49 GMT 10
Actually none of you have seen me really at my best yet!!!! HAhaha
|
|
|
Post by Peter on May 19, 2016 10:33:30 GMT 10
Actually none of you have seen me really at my best yet!!!! HAhaha May God have mercy on us all.
|
|
remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
Posts: 4,399
Likes: 3,968
Email: remnant@ausprep.org
|
Post by remnantprep on May 19, 2016 10:35:57 GMT 10
You will need a lot of mercy!!
|
|
krull68
VIP Member
Posts: 534
Likes: 872
|
Post by krull68 on May 19, 2016 11:29:38 GMT 10
Jay, you're the ultimate wingman. Thanks a heap. Dude, I have a nice joisting suit you can borrow if you ever decide to tell a woman she is over reacting. It is made from 2 mm steel.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on May 25, 2016 18:16:12 GMT 10
When you are over seventy.....
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy...............who cares? ********** Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you’re over seventy...............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
********** I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********** I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Cost me a blood nose, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on May 25, 2016 18:18:16 GMT 10
Wonderful English from Around the World ..
In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER!
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP?
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE
|
|
|
Post by Peter on May 30, 2016 19:41:41 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by Peter on May 30, 2016 19:42:48 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on May 30, 2016 21:03:25 GMT 10
Men can’t win…..
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on May 30, 2016 21:11:34 GMT 10
Some real profound thoughts there.........................
~ John Glenn... As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman... America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb... After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr... The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor... I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy... You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips... A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall... Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden... We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz... In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
~ Johnny Carson... If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album). I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin... Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap
~ Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell... America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts... The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on May 30, 2016 21:15:10 GMT 10
Wife V Maid
A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work.
An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" The man was silent for a few seconds, then said
"But I never need Viagra with the maid!"
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jun 1, 2016 17:52:20 GMT 10
ONCE A SOLDIER ALWAYS A SOLDIER!
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Digger, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said,
"Mission Accomplished."
|
|
|
Post by Peter on Jun 2, 2016 22:48:21 GMT 10
This is why British humour reigns supreme...
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jun 3, 2016 19:37:58 GMT 10
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down
his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to
have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin
what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his
height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to
wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test,
a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to
take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently
in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said:
'Outside on the truck.... Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
|
|
tyburn
Senior Member
Posts: 366
Likes: 541
|
Post by tyburn on Jun 3, 2016 19:57:05 GMT 10
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said: 'Outside on the truck.... Where do you want me to unload 'em??' I'm assuming Kevin is Irish?
|
|
|
Post by Peter on Jun 4, 2016 19:15:42 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jun 8, 2016 19:58:00 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jun 11, 2016 21:28:08 GMT 10
PARKING TICKET.
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So Shirley (my wife) called him a "shithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Shorten for PM / Vote Labor stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
At our age that is so important.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jun 11, 2016 21:45:31 GMT 10
A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word:
mypenis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!! The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
|
|