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Post by Joey on Jun 15, 2016 7:14:07 GMT 10
1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning." 2. My Parents taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My Parents taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My Parents taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My Parents taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My Parents taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My Parents taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My Parents taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My Parents taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: 25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 17, 2016 19:20:10 GMT 10
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application had been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club
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Post by Peter on Jun 19, 2016 9:33:36 GMT 10
I just saw a guy at the gym using the treadmill. The idiot put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 19, 2016 20:59:37 GMT 10
A G.P., now an old geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr.Geezer's clinict Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, - that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak - I can hardly see anything!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 note)"
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 19, 2016 21:02:48 GMT 10
Anagrams:
PRESBYTERIAN : When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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Post by Ausprep on Jun 19, 2016 21:24:02 GMT 10
As told to me by miss 6 this morning.
What did the farmer that lost his tractor say?
Wheres my tractor..
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Post by ziggysdad on Jun 19, 2016 21:38:09 GMT 10
As told to me by my wife: "what did the snowman eat for lunch? Icebergers!"
As tod to me by my 3 year old: "what did the snowman eat for lunch? Sausages!" Followed by uproarious laughter as she repeats 'sausages' over and over.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 21, 2016 17:13:17 GMT 10
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
What man here will buy a woman a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 25, 2016 10:50:17 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Jun 25, 2016 13:01:58 GMT 10
I saw this photo on an article about Brexit. It's now my desktop background image.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 26, 2016 20:26:09 GMT 10
I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.
The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "Harvey Norman".
The host asked him why that name?
He replied,
"Absolutely no interest for 48 months."
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Post by Joey on Jun 26, 2016 22:21:46 GMT 10
Bit of a naughty one, but when I heard it, I was laughing for a bit
I'll let this NSW Police video tell it for me... skip to 15:55 for the joke
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 27, 2016 18:52:56 GMT 10
The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of myhand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
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tyburn
Senior Member
Posts: 366
Likes: 541
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Post by tyburn on Jun 27, 2016 19:59:58 GMT 10
Bit of a naughty one, but when I heard it, I was laughing for a bit
I'll let this NSW Police video tell it for me... skip to 15:55 for the joke
Ah, the early nineties. Only twenty years ago, but I had forgotten about the fashions (or lack thereof) and the way everyone looked back then. I just wish there was somewhere these Aussie docos and other shows could be downloaded.
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Post by Joey on Jun 27, 2016 22:13:14 GMT 10
You can download off YouTube. Just isnatll a YouTube downloader program, most of them have workarounds for their copyright protection
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Post by Peter on Jun 29, 2016 21:15:39 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Jul 4, 2016 20:07:45 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 4, 2016 20:59:06 GMT 10
Bill Shorten was asleep and was visited by Menzies' ghost.
He said, "Bob, how can I make this country a better place?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers as I did."
Shorten went back to sleep and dreamed of John Howard.
He asked in his sleep, "John, how can I make this country a better place?"
John answered, "Be honest with the people as I was."
Again Shorten fell asleep and was visited by Harold Holt's ghost.
"Harold, how can I make this country a better place?"
Harold replied, "Go for a swim!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2016 17:33:50 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2016 17:52:16 GMT 10
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