|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 6, 2017 23:17:29 GMT 10
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time...
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
Somewhat indignant & offended, the farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 6, 2017 23:46:39 GMT 10
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform them if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion
Marion..."
"Is that you, Tom?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times
Then I have lunch
you'd be proud
.lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Tom! Are you in Heaven?"
"No
I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 10, 2017 19:01:08 GMT 10
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 10, 2017 19:01:32 GMT 10
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 10, 2017 19:02:16 GMT 10
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and declared, "And here's to spending the rest of me Life between the legs of me Wife"....!
That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and proudly told his wife, Mary, "Mary me love, oi won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night"....
She said, "Aye, did ye now. ..and prey tell what was your toast?"...
O'Reilly thought quickly, "Oi said, here's to spending the rest of me Life, sitting in Church beside me beloved Wife"....
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"..Mary said equally with pride...
Next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner...."he chuckled leeringly and said,
"O'Reilly won the prize the other night at the pub with a luvvly toast about yeself, Mary"..
She said ,"Aye, John told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been in their twice in the last four years....once I had to pull him by his ears to make him come, and t'other time he fell asleep"............
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 10, 2017 19:03:13 GMT 10
Two men were talking one day.
"My wife asked me to buy Organic Vegetables from the produce market." said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any Poisonous Chemicals?"
"The Gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"
|
|
|
Post by Peter on Jan 10, 2017 22:31:01 GMT 10
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy Organic Vegetables from the produce market." said the first man. "So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked. "Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any Poisonous Chemicals?" "The Gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'" Joke of the week. Awesome.
|
|
|
Post by Joey on Jan 24, 2017 7:35:42 GMT 10
THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2017 17:54:21 GMT 10
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course & meet my buddies for a round.
His buddies all chimed in & said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off ."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car & reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,
'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2017 18:54:46 GMT 10
After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
'Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph(remember, the Pope is Argentinian and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!", moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that. He's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "A senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2017 19:15:58 GMT 10
One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says,“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”... The Marine looks at the man and says,“Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”The old man says,“Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine,“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine again tells the man,“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here.”The man thanks him and again walks away.
On the third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying,“I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says,“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says,“See you tomorrow, Sir!”
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 7, 2017 22:01:50 GMT 10
While in China, an Australian man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in this country, we know very little about it. "
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion! "
The doctor replies, " It is your choice. Go ahead if you want , but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor in Little Bourke Street, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My local GP wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid local docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!"
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 16, 2017 19:14:12 GMT 10
Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the Synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
Irving wasn't very fond of the idea, but being Morris's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. After the services, Irving struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking all sorts of stupid and ridiculous questions, just to keep him occupied. After some time, the wise Rabbi became suspicious and asked Irving what was he really up to. Now, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, Irving confessed to the Rabbi, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The wise Rabbi smiled and put a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder and said, "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago!"
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 16, 2017 19:15:31 GMT 10
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 16, 2017 19:16:46 GMT 10
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel , Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez." Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:
"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2017 18:34:28 GMT 10
At last, a Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait!!!!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch ..'
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Mar 16, 2017 23:43:17 GMT 10
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 11:54:09 GMT 10
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 13:46:03 GMT 10
A Mature and well Educated woman loved her vegie patch and particularly growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge bright Red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Some body else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work.
Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Mar 27, 2017 13:57:41 GMT 10
Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today? Husband : First make it, we will name it later A frustrated husband in front of his laptop : Dear google, please do not behave like my wife.. Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting. A married man's prayer : Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away You gave me youth, You took it away. You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You. A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?" Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married" Employee : Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!! A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat." Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook. Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt : "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am Married and already very Disturbed"
|
|