blueshoes
Senior Member
Posts: 608
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Location: Regional Dan-istan
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Post by blueshoes on Jul 24, 2017 18:47:36 GMT 10
A mathematical one for the nerds among us... I love nerdy jokes
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armour, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armour. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2017 20:12:35 GMT 10
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his barbecue on the shore of Arthurs Lake and cook a venison steak.
All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you are a Catholic."
Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout."
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Post by Peter on Aug 3, 2017 22:12:27 GMT 10
I am so sending this to a Catholic mate of mine. Brilliant!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 4, 2017 1:36:39 GMT 10
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 4, 2017 18:03:26 GMT 10
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, andshaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said, "F%#k him..........................”
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Post by Joey on Aug 4, 2017 18:24:03 GMT 10
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 13, 2017 22:57:50 GMT 10
I just filled the car up with gas and didn't notice I had spilled some on my sleeve. I am going down the road, lit a cigarette and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames, then the damn cops stopped me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a licence....
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Post by Joey on Aug 15, 2017 21:38:01 GMT 10
George Phillips, an elderly man from NSW, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police on 000, who asked, ”Is someone in your house?”
He said “No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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token
VIP Member
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Post by token on Aug 16, 2017 20:38:23 GMT 10
George Phillips, an elderly man from NSW, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police on 000, who asked, ”Is someone in your house?” He said “No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" You know this is sad, but its also true. Threaten to sort it out yourself and they turn up.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 16, 2017 21:34:45 GMT 10
George Phillips, an elderly man from NSW, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police on 000, who asked, ”Is someone in your house?” He said “No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" BWAHAHAHAHA - what a great joke!!!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2017 19:56:58 GMT 10
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing across the room, alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen.”
He replied, “That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?”
She answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.”
Then she asked, “What’s your name?”
He answered, “Bob Titsengolf”
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2017 20:12:15 GMT 10
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The bloke, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The Centrelink worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2017 20:22:33 GMT 10
TEST: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?
ANSWERS:
Australia:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights. 1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the Laws of this Land? 3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings? 9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society? 10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound? 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? 13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canada:
BANG !
America:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Click'...Reload
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knife reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer a*#e!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2017 20:26:34 GMT 10
CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA…..
The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming!
At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.
The coin will now be called “two f*#kin’ bucks"!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2017 20:32:01 GMT 10
The Business Deal
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."
....and this is why the Chinese own us!
Business is Business!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 23, 2017 18:01:48 GMT 10
A painter by the name of Murphy,while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object, and in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. " It would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
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Post by Peter on Aug 30, 2017 1:49:27 GMT 10
How many potatoes does it take to kill a 19th century Irishman?
None.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 30, 2017 20:47:33 GMT 10
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 30, 2017 20:54:12 GMT 10
Me mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details of theirs?
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Post by Peter on Aug 30, 2017 20:59:56 GMT 10
My credit card was stolen last week. I haven't reported it though. The thief spends less than my wife did...
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