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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 7, 2020 21:02:04 GMT 10
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 7, 2020 21:04:57 GMT 10
This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 7, 2020 21:14:35 GMT 10
A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man."I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love with her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain said. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Manly Ferry."
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Post by spinifex on Jan 8, 2020 8:22:31 GMT 10
Two aliens landed in the desert near an abandoned fuel station. They approached one of the fuel pumps, and the younger one said to it, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The fuel pump, of course, didn't respond. The young alien repeated the greeting and again there was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien said to his young comrade 'I wouldn't do that if I were you' and slowly backed away.
The brash young alien fired. There was an explosion and huge fireball that engulfed him and blew him 200 meters out into the desert, where he landed in a scorched, mangled heap.
Half an hour later he finally regained consciousness. The older alien was standing over him shaking his head. The fried young alien and said, 'What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed me! How did you know it was so dangerous?'
The older, wiser alien put a comforting feeler on the young aliens shoulder and answered, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my lifetime of inter galactic travels, it's that you don't mess with a guy that can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick the loose end into his ear!
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,749
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Post by Tim Horton on Jan 11, 2020 11:59:28 GMT 10
Of the 38,000 plus books my Sweetie has processed for free library shelves. This making her 5th in the world with the registration system she uses... When we found this one.. It was a definite "must add" to our extensive prepper library... www.bookcrossing.com/journal/15813891
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 11, 2020 12:11:21 GMT 10
Of the 38,000 plus books my Sweetie has processed for free library shelves. This making her 5th in the world with the registration system she uses... When we found this one.. It was a definite "must add" to our extensive prepper library... www.bookcrossing.com/journal/15813891Hahahahahahaha - what else? Hope there is a chapter on wiping your bottom too!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 16, 2020 23:38:45 GMT 10
An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter to the family. Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well, hope youse are too? Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 17, 2020 17:51:50 GMT 10
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found our quiet little Pub for their wedding night. The man approached the bar and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." Our English Barmaid winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it...!!!
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
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Post by kelabar on Jan 20, 2020 18:35:38 GMT 10
All from laughfactory dot com.
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Jesus walks into a inn, hands the innkeeper three nails, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man. "Jewish," the man replied. "Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said. "Religion?" he asked the second man. "Muslim." "Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Religion?" he asked the third man. "Agnostic." "Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked. The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are the only ones here."
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bushdoc2
Senior Member
Posts: 368
Likes: 464
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Post by bushdoc2 on Jan 20, 2020 20:27:04 GMT 10
German Chancellor Angele Merkel goes for a drive round Europe. At the French border the French guard asks: Name? "Angele Merkel" Nationality? "German" Occupation? "No, not this time"
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 2, 2020 0:26:46 GMT 10
Four people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."
The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."
The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French focker again."
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bushdoc2
Senior Member
Posts: 368
Likes: 464
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Post by bushdoc2 on Feb 2, 2020 15:16:33 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 3, 2020 19:00:00 GMT 10
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him without mercy. From morning 'til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag, it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 4, 2020 22:40:06 GMT 10
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Post by Joey on Feb 6, 2020 9:07:53 GMT 10
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
Blonde: What does IDK stand for? Brunette: I don’t know Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 6, 2020 15:52:39 GMT 10
Wife: Will you buy me flowers on the 14th?
Husband: Sure, if you die on the 13th!
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 10, 2020 23:15:00 GMT 10
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2020 19:16:12 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 19, 2020 23:22:25 GMT 10
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myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
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Post by myrrph on Feb 20, 2020 15:52:13 GMT 10
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fooking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fooking BADGE!!"
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