kelabar
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Post by kelabar on Jul 20, 2020 2:29:25 GMT 10
"Boy, did I call it or what?" George Orwell.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 2, 2020 20:47:55 GMT 10
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Aug 2, 2020 21:13:31 GMT 10
A blonde woman is driving down the road She notices she is low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Aug 5, 2020 14:58:31 GMT 10
I'm not going to Victoria this year because of Covid-19. Every other year I haven't gone to Victoria because.. well, because its Victoria!
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
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Post by Tim Horton on Aug 5, 2020 16:35:20 GMT 10
I'm not going to Victoria this year because of Covid-19. Every other year I haven't gone to Victoria because.. well, because its Victoria! +++ Chuckle.. For us... Replace Victoria with Vancouver... spit....
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 6, 2020 10:46:31 GMT 10
For his birthday little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "son, we,d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job, there/s no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase, so he asked, "son, where are you going". little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and i heard you tell mum your were pulling out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and L'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $80,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 12, 2020 0:00:53 GMT 10
the Russians have a joke. - let's paint the refrigerator black. - why black? - I have no other paint ..
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 12, 2020 19:51:40 GMT 10
Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China? A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Q: What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg? A: Irene.
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, swedish... it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 12, 2020 19:53:03 GMT 10
Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for lunch and ask what was available for lunch and were told there were pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries. They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat. After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog and asks the other "So what part of the dog did you get?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 12, 2020 19:56:11 GMT 10
"A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300. The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 12, 2020 20:02:31 GMT 10
A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 13, 2020 22:08:41 GMT 10
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons.
When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.
As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.
So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses. 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses. 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9 Middle son 6 Youngest son 2
TOTAL IS 17
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm. Problem Solved!
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bug
Senior Member
Posts: 2,023
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Post by bug on Aug 14, 2020 9:30:21 GMT 10
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read: My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses. As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend whom they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses. Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses. 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses. 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses. Now add up how many horses they have: Eldest son 9 Middle son 6 Youngest son 2 TOTAL IS 17 Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm. Problem Solved! This looks more like a 'spot the error' maths problem than a joke. The error is /spoiler/ 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/9 does not equal 1. It should be 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/6. The difference between 1/6 and 1/9 is 1/18. The 1/18 represents the 'missing' horse.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 23, 2020 2:51:18 GMT 10
A letter was sent to a Broken Hill High School principal's office in Broken Hill, (Australia) after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady at the lunch, received a new radio as a door raffle prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today…
Dear Broken Hill High School, God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens Luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne’s Nursing Home for the Aged. All of my family have passed away, so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own wireless, but she would never let me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband and wanted to keep it safe. The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f@ck off. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all, Sincerely,
Edna.
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,749
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Post by Tim Horton on Aug 30, 2020 11:59:45 GMT 10
Only in 2020....
A woman was shopping in a store..... Someone said to her. No mask ? The woman replied... No panties either...
End of conversation...
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Sept 7, 2020 11:14:47 GMT 10
Me: I'm not an alcoholic. Doctor: There is an olive in your urine sample!
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 7, 2020 13:47:12 GMT 10
At a busy bus stop, a woman, who was waiting for a bus, was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped, and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again, was unable to make the step.
About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily, by the waist, and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and, turning to the would-be Good Samaritan, she screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we was friends."
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 7, 2020 13:54:38 GMT 10
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, *'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'*
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week."
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 10, 2020 22:40:51 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 11, 2020 12:53:42 GMT 10
Fred and Emma were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Fred suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Emma promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Emma's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Emma the news she said, 'Emma, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Fred hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Emma replied: 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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