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Post by Peter on Apr 18, 2016 22:32:50 GMT 10
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Post by Joey on Apr 21, 2016 22:01:47 GMT 10
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the family car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." The Dad replied; "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Post by SA Hunter on May 8, 2016 21:19:47 GMT 10
One spelling mistake
Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his official trip and missed an "e" in the last word.
Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house.
He wrote:
"Hi darling, I'm experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her !!
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Post by SA Hunter on May 8, 2016 21:29:29 GMT 10
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. NICKNAMES · If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. · When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. · Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Post by Peter on May 8, 2016 22:06:33 GMT 10
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Ammo9
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Post by Ammo9 on May 8, 2016 23:00:32 GMT 10
Trump is the best US presidential candidate.
I love jokes that are also facts
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Ammo9
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Posts: 1,814
Likes: 2,667
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Post by Ammo9 on May 8, 2016 23:03:31 GMT 10
Peter I've been put onto "les rum" apparently it's cheaper than litre bottles of Captain Morgan and will improve my fitness... still cant find it, not even Dan's stocks it!
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Post by SA Hunter on May 9, 2016 19:21:56 GMT 10
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
(you’re gonna love this)
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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Ammo9
VIP Member
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Posts: 1,814
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Post by Ammo9 on May 9, 2016 19:48:10 GMT 10
A Carnie-gentleman... love it
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Post by Joey on May 10, 2016 1:05:59 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on May 13, 2016 19:50:31 GMT 10
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?" "Yes, we do," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes, it does," he answered. She said, "Can you get it over the counter?" "I can, if I take two," he replied
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Post by SA Hunter on May 13, 2016 20:23:08 GMT 10
A little bit of Aussie culcha LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute. HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys. WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.. BYTE: What mozzies do MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. CHIP: A pub snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster. HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart. MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. WEB: What spiders make. WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah. SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go. CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go. YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go. UPGRADE: A steep hill. SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net. ONLINE: Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
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Post by SA Hunter on May 13, 2016 21:02:58 GMT 10
www.adelaidenow.com.au/travel/travel-news/man-gets-pulled-up-by-airport-security-after-mates-hide-surprising-object-in-his-bag/news-story/5f11c1c91c63c4ecf7b2b4a8a7114026FLYING for the first time can be a little daunting, not least because of the intense security screening required before boarding the aircraft. But one first-time flyer on his way to NewOrleans for his bachelor party got more than he bargained for when his mates decided to take advantage of his pre-flight nerves with a well-timed prank. American media personality Will Burge recently uploaded a video to Twitter of his mate having his bag inspected by a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officer at Akron-Canton Airport in Ohio. As the officer rummaged through the bag, he pulled out an item that came as a huge surprise to the bag’s owner: a water bottle with a dildo attached to it. It seems the nervous man’s mates had secretly planted the water-filled bottle and dildo in his bag, knowing it was bound to be picked up during security screening. “I don’t ask questions around here, that’s your business,” the TSA officer said as the group erupted with laughter. “But the water’s too large to go.”
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Post by SA Hunter on May 14, 2016 21:22:55 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on May 15, 2016 15:11:26 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on May 18, 2016 22:49:49 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on May 18, 2016 23:02:21 GMT 10
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gasman
Senior Member
Posts: 466
Likes: 607
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Post by gasman on May 19, 2016 8:15:20 GMT 10
Distinct lack of survival instinct in this comment Esp if your married!!!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on May 19, 2016 9:31:59 GMT 10
Pete, you can be the spokesman, we'll be......................... well, somewhere out of sight and earshot........... we're with you though, sorta!!
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remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
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Email: remnant@ausprep.org
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Post by remnantprep on May 19, 2016 10:28:48 GMT 10
I can just see you all hiding behind a tipped over table while Pete slowly comes out from behind, armed with a shield, to deflect what I will be hurling at you all!!!
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