|
Post by Peter on Nov 1, 2015 20:59:09 GMT 10
Jay, you're on a roll again. Unfortunately this time it's rolling downhill.
|
|
myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
|
Post by myrrph on Nov 2, 2015 10:48:48 GMT 10
lol. i thought the joke with the persimmons are funny ... like the evil baby twin and the poisoned nipple
|
|
myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
|
Post by myrrph on Nov 4, 2015 12:11:22 GMT 10
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
|
|
myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
|
Post by myrrph on Nov 4, 2015 16:02:56 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by thereth on Nov 4, 2015 16:37:47 GMT 10
Ouch.... right in the dad joke....
|
|
myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
|
Post by myrrph on Nov 5, 2015 19:07:11 GMT 10
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
|
|
|
Post by Joey on Nov 10, 2015 21:41:44 GMT 10
Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Liberal Leader Malcolm Turnbull said - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow conservatives told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement as uttered by our PM.
|
|
|
Post by Joey on Nov 10, 2015 21:43:06 GMT 10
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
An ABC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.'
The ABC journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: ‘SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.’
That pretty much sums up the ABCs media's approach to the news these days.
|
|
Matilda
Senior Member
Posts: 859
Likes: 1,171
|
Post by Matilda on Nov 19, 2015 15:48:29 GMT 10
We need a laugh.
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Nov 20, 2015 9:55:21 GMT 10
|
|
Matilda
Senior Member
Posts: 859
Likes: 1,171
|
Post by Matilda on Nov 20, 2015 13:07:09 GMT 10
I love the look on the little boys face!!! And the one that takes a dive!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Peter on Nov 21, 2015 0:47:08 GMT 10
|
|
krull68
VIP Member
Posts: 535
Likes: 875
|
Post by krull68 on Nov 21, 2015 1:01:30 GMT 10
Brought tears of laughter to the eyes.
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 21, 2015 19:43:02 GMT 10
Post by Joey on Nov 21, 2015 19:43:02 GMT 10
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 21, 2015 21:33:44 GMT 10
Post by Peter on Nov 21, 2015 21:33:44 GMT 10
Joey, Joey, Joey. How the heck did you find that video? Dare I ask?
|
|
|
Post by Joey on Nov 22, 2015 4:30:38 GMT 10
Guy at work showed me lol
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Nov 26, 2015 22:44:26 GMT 10
Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend interpreted it for me & told me what she really said : 666136429
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Nov 26, 2015 23:08:00 GMT 10
A man and his wife went to the doctor. The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked the patient's blood pressure and other signs and then said he was going to examine the wife. He took her to another examination-room and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the opposite direction. When she had done so, he said - "OK, good! You can get dressed now and I will talk to your husband". The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you; I couldn't get an erection either."
|
|
|
Post by SA Hunter on Nov 26, 2015 23:34:52 GMT 10
"You Will Walk Today” When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Memphis church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.” I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today.” Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my f*#@^%g car had been stolen....
|
|
|
Jokes
Nov 26, 2015 23:36:50 GMT 10
Peter likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Nov 26, 2015 23:36:50 GMT 10
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway
|
|