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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:17:42 GMT 10
Keep 'em clean:
It's not all serious, we can have a giggle now and then!!
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a way of life choice, or
it is sometimes imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:18:30 GMT 10
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first, all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..and..................just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:19:46 GMT 10
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle MeElmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES.....!!!
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 21:20:55 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:20:55 GMT 10
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...
"The balcony."
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 21:25:03 GMT 10
Mandy likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:25:03 GMT 10
.HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:27:21 GMT 10
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place, as it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back,"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back,"OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Fordham!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger"
Don't you just LOVE lawyers!
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:28:26 GMT 10
AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS.
IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave
the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a
dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to
repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're
sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in
change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.
IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that
we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower..
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.
IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council
to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Castle Hill, Sydney .........
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened at Melbourne Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to
cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged'
co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'
She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA
IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up
our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Holden Dealership Townsville Qld
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:30:14 GMT 10
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!
They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..
SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?
They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada ....
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France .....
They're happy in Italy ..........
They're happy in Germany .
They're happy in Sweden ...
They're happy in the USA .
They're happy in Norway ...
They're happy in Holland ....
They're happy in Denmark .
Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!
AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN
AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 21:31:32 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:31:32 GMT 10
THE POWER OF SHRIMPS
A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban,
who was eating shrimps. Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction,
requiring her to dodge or deflect it.
He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window. Seeing this, she'd had enough
of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train's
Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid female,
worthless Infidel, Catholic ."
She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison,
you dish towel headed camel-f%*#@+r
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:33:04 GMT 10
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 21:34:32 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:34:32 GMT 10
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 21:39:05 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 21:39:05 GMT 10
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! .......I'm talking to that little s&$t on your lap."
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:27:48 GMT 10
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST
COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming,
that's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
this describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
but I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other,
that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you,
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
but don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:29:26 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:29:26 GMT 10
THE TOILET SEAT
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:30:18 GMT 10
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* Wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very big hands!
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall was already built by eight men.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:32:53 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:32:53 GMT 10
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE ... God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:34:25 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:34:25 GMT 10
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina , asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl,
pierced the quiet and said,
"Well, dumb ass, stop clapping..!!!
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:36:07 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:36:07 GMT 10
HELLOOOOOOOOOOO DISNEYLAND Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home. FLORIDA OR MOON Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida  ??' CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.' KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'! |
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:39:15 GMT 10
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There’s no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him;
'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:40:41 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:40:41 GMT 10
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied,
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith”
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied,
“Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking,
Finally, the rabbi said,
“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
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??'