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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:52:18 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:52:18 GMT 10
Why Do We...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVOURITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you...
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:52:55 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:52:55 GMT 10
.A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg
is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well! I guess we answered that question."
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:53:19 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:53:19 GMT 10
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting.
He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned round to find a giant Kodiak bear standing there.
The bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:53:55 GMT 10
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made,
and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read
the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend,
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve
of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am..
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of
firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be
growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure
we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:54:35 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:54:35 GMT 10
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the
Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another
man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent,
Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not
understanding the question please."
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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she
wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:55:56 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:55:56 GMT 10
I'm an incredible lover,
I can have sex any time she wants...
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:56:25 GMT 10
Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:56:55 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:56:55 GMT 10
Michael (Aged 9) "Dad! I know your soft spot...
Dad (Aged 47) "Oh yeah, what is it!?
Michael (Aged 9) "I don't know what they're called, but Ill kick them and you'll know...
Thank you for the anatomy lessen son...
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:57:27 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:57:27 GMT 10
Reporter interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She replied, "No peer pressure."
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:57:52 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:57:52 GMT 10
What's the way to a Woman's Heart?
Well, if you can fake empathy you've got it made...
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:58:34 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:58:34 GMT 10
I rang up the Swine flu hot line the other
day and only got crackling...!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:58:59 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:58:59 GMT 10
Manure... An interesting fact.
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large
shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined
just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 23:00:01 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 23:00:01 GMT 10
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 23:00:10 GMT 10
When I die, I want to go out like my Grandfather.
Peacefully, and in my sleep.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 23:00:41 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 23:00:41 GMT 10
"If at first you don't succeed, try and hide your astonishment..."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 23:01:06 GMT 10
Even if the little voices aren't real,
they still have some pretty
good ideas...
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 23:01:32 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 23:01:32 GMT 10
Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After
That Damn Gay Cowboy Movie.*
"Cowpoke!"
"Saddle Sore."
"Let's mount up!"
"Howdy, pardner."
"Ride'em cowboy!"
"Nice spread ya got there!"
"Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
"I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
"Fill your hand you son of a !"
"Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
"You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
"Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
*Brokeback mountain
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remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
Posts: 4,399 
Likes: 3,968
Email: remnant@ausprep.org
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Post by remnantprep on Jul 6, 2014 8:36:16 GMT 10
Manure... An interesting fact. Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term. I have heard this somewhere. So S.H.I.T isnt really a swear word! |
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2014 9:39:40 GMT 10
Post by graynomad on Jul 6, 2014 9:39:40 GMT 10
Some good laughs there.
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2014 18:07:37 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 6, 2014 18:07:37 GMT 10
Manure... An interesting fact. Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term. I have heard this somewhere. So S.H.I.T isnt really a swear word! I'd posted this joke on that "other" site  |
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