Jason
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:06:22 GMT 10
Bloke walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his old fella.
Bartender says "Gee mate, that must hurt."
Bloke replies "Yeah its driving me nuts!"
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Jason
Senior Member
APF Gold Member
Posts: 644
Likes: 576
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:07:51 GMT 10
Randy the Rooster
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.
The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."
Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
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Jason
Senior Member
APF Gold Member
Posts: 644
Likes: 576
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:11:06 GMT 10
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Jason
Senior Member
APF Gold Member
Posts: 644
Likes: 576
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:11:25 GMT 10
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Jason
Senior Member
APF Gold Member
Posts: 644
Likes: 576
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:12:15 GMT 10
I went the the new zoo in town yesterday, but it only had one dog! It was a shitzu.
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remnantprep
Senior Member
People do not exist for the sake of governments!
Posts: 4,399 
Likes: 3,968
Email: remnant@ausprep.org
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Jokes
Jul 6, 2014 23:13:21 GMT 10
via mobile
Post by remnantprep on Jul 6, 2014 23:13:21 GMT 10
I have heard this somewhere. So S.H.I.T isnt really a swear word! I'd posted this joke on that "other" site  [br Na I heard this before you posted it on other. |
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Jason
Senior Member
APF Gold Member
Posts: 644
Likes: 576
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Post by Jason on Jul 6, 2014 23:13:41 GMT 10
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 8, 2014 18:48:00 GMT 10
I got sick and landed in hospital.
This one nurse just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are we doing this morning?"
Or
"Are we ready for a bath?" or
"Are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
"My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
"Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted... I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!
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Jokes
Jul 8, 2014 19:42:17 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 8, 2014 19:42:17 GMT 10
A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous , you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 8, 2014 19:43:34 GMT 10
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad
for "Up North Bear Removers." He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a
baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred
old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Jul 14, 2014 16:51:05 GMT 10
Aussie bug out vehicle   |
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2014 17:59:29 GMT 10
Frank likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 14, 2014 17:59:29 GMT 10
MEDICAL UPDATE Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need
a blood transfusion! This is good to know.
MEDICAL ALERT Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men c-o-c-k-y and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know.
(Had to break up that word as it was censored)
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Jokes
Jul 14, 2014 20:35:31 GMT 10
Res-Q likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 14, 2014 20:35:31 GMT 10
Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
But don't let a kiss fool you.
Confucius Say:
It is better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say:
Man with a broken condom
Is called a Daddy
Confucius Say:
A drunken man's words
Are a sober man's thoughts.
Confucius Say:
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,
And you lose interest.
Confucius Say:
Viagra is like Disneyland ...
A one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Confucius Say:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say:
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
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Jokes
Jul 16, 2014 21:09:59 GMT 10
Jason likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 16, 2014 21:09:59 GMT 10
A Man went the doctor’s office to ask for a Triple Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home
on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you,
but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you
to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?
The man said, “ No one showed up “!!!!!
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Jokes
Jul 16, 2014 21:14:12 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 16, 2014 21:14:12 GMT 10
A guy stuck his head into a
barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the
shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.
A few days later, the same guy
stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left and again, did not return that day.
A week later, the same guy
stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend
and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,but he never comes back later.
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 16, 2014 21:15:18 GMT 10
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming to you Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 17, 2014 20:03:03 GMT 10
A Bunnings Story !
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...
When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?
The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."
This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Jul 17, 2014 20:23:56 GMT 10
This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings! Oh, you've done it. I'm officially offended.  Bunnings is my heaven. Gift me a handful of gift cards and you'll lose me for days in the place. *Bliss* |
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Jokes
Jul 20, 2014 1:50:15 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 20, 2014 1:50:15 GMT 10
A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard ing and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fookin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 20, 2014 1:54:49 GMT 10
ENJOY BEING AN AUSSIE!
Just imagine...
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 041Can
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!
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Bunnings is my heaven. Gift me a handful of gift cards and you'll lose me for days in the place. *Bliss*