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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 20, 2014 2:11:17 GMT 10
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
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AKM.
Senior Member
Posts: 146
Likes: 295
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Post by AKM. on Jul 20, 2014 16:22:31 GMT 10
Maximum penalty for polygamy under natural law?
2 Mother's in law.
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Jul 20, 2014 20:06:58 GMT 10
A man walks into a library, walks up to the clerk and loudly demands, "I'D LIKE TO ORDER SOME FISH & CHIPS" the clerk looks back at him stunned and whispers "This is a library" The man replies in a hushed whisper "sorry, I'd like to order some fish & chips"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 21, 2014 21:49:57 GMT 10
*Critical Thinking At Its Best!* *Woman:* Do you drink beer? *Man:* Yes *Woman:* How many beers a day? *Man:* Usually about 3 *Woman:* How much do you pay per beer? *Man:* $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
*Woman:* And how long have you been drinking? *Man:* About 20 years, I suppose *Woman:* So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ?correct? *Man:* Correct *Woman:* If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? *Man:* Correct *Woman:* Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari? *Man:* Do you drink beer? *Woman:* No *Man:* Where's your Ferrari?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 22, 2014 20:37:24 GMT 10
The Talking Centipede
A single bloke decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The bloke decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my f…...g shoes on!”
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Jul 22, 2014 20:51:39 GMT 10
hahaha, nice. I actually laughed thanks mate.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:04:28 GMT 10
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They asked "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked I answered, "Yes, that's her." They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident." I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality..."
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Jokes
Jul 23, 2014 23:05:03 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:05:03 GMT 10
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. (It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.)
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:07:09 GMT 10
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:07:44 GMT 10
A blonde phones the Fire brigade and says her house in on fire.
The fireman says '' How do we get there?''
Blonde replies ''HELLOOOO, in your Big Red Truck, stupid!!''
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:08:27 GMT 10
A recent survey asked 1000 men what they enjoyed most about a blow job.
99.9% said, '' The 10 minutes of silence''
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:10:36 GMT 10
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?
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Jokes
Jul 23, 2014 23:17:33 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:17:33 GMT 10
A new study on sexual behavior has determined that intercourse is performed by married couples most often in the "doggie" position.
The husband sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 23, 2014 23:57:23 GMT 10
A few minutes before the church services started, the > congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. > > > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, > trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil > incarnate. > > Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat > calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that > God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. > > So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' > > The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' > > 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. > > 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. > > 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. > > 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. > > 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all > eternity?' persisted Satan. > > 'Yep,' was the calm reply. > > 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. > > ' Nope,' said the old man > > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of > me?' > The man calmly replied, > > 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 24, 2014 0:14:08 GMT 10
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Jokes
Jul 24, 2014 0:22:56 GMT 10
Frank likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 24, 2014 0:22:56 GMT 10
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a freak skydiving accident.'
The blonde upset by this, starts sobbing 'That's horrible! So many men being killed that way!'
Confused the Husband explains 'Yes dear it is sad, but there is a risk involved in sky diving'
After a few minutes the blonde wife, still sobbing says 'How many is a Brazilion?'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 24, 2014 23:26:44 GMT 10
THE HUSBAND STORE:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any
item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 29, 2014 19:51:06 GMT 10
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen. Is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 31, 2014 19:17:35 GMT 10
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool..** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ..............** **Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
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Jokes
Jul 31, 2014 21:15:37 GMT 10
Post by You Must Enter A Name on Jul 31, 2014 21:15:37 GMT 10
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool..** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ..............** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........* OH that is just bloody great! hahahahahaha!
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