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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Aug 1, 2014 8:33:37 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 2, 2014 19:19:41 GMT 10
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense! Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir."
London Lawyer says, "What's the bloody difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye havte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Now, ye English a#sehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just fookin slow down?"
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Aug 2, 2014 19:22:10 GMT 10
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense! Irish cop says, "License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please, sir." London Lawyer says, "What's the bloody difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye havte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Now, ye English a#sehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just fookin slow down?" They did a version of this in the Fat Pizza Movie. was effing hilarious.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2014 19:31:18 GMT 10
New South Wales
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman; I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
Queensland
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
Tasmania
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.” When asked why, he replied,
“I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
Northern Territory
The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!” Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the rego number.”
Western Australia
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “about what?”
Victoria
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied.
“That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2014 22:06:43 GMT 10
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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Jokes
Aug 3, 2014 22:06:58 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2014 22:06:58 GMT 10
A wife invited some people to dinner.. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2014 22:07:25 GMT 10
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 4, 2014 18:55:01 GMT 10
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments,
Ford
issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics :
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask,"Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 9, 2014 23:51:26 GMT 10
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'"
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.
The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"
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Jokes
Aug 9, 2014 23:54:12 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Aug 9, 2014 23:54:12 GMT 10
A man brings his best buddy home for a drink and dinner - unannounced after work.
His wife begins screaming at him from upstairs, while his friend just sits and listens in:
'My hair and makeup are not done, the house is in a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?
Her husband answers, 'Because he is thinking of getting married'!
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 9, 2014 23:56:11 GMT 10
IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
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wolfstar
Senior Member
Posts: 1,020
Likes: 917
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Post by wolfstar on Aug 13, 2014 22:41:02 GMT 10
in honor of Robin Williams, here, nobody could run his jokes the way he did (warning nsfw!)
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Aug 17, 2014 1:44:46 GMT 10
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arklatex
Full Member
Posts: 87
Likes: 230
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Post by arklatex on Aug 17, 2014 2:22:27 GMT 10
An 80 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperms count as part of a physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said "take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow"
The next day the returns and gives the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well doc, first I tried it with my right hand, nothing. Then I tried it with my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried it with her right hand, then the left but still nothing. Then she tried it with her mouth, first with teeth in then with teeth out but still nothing! We even called up the old lady next door. She tried with both hands,then her armpit and even squeezing it with her knees! But still nothing!
The doctor was in shock. He said "you got to ask your neighbor!?!" The old man said " yep, but not one of us could get that dang jar open!"
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Aug 19, 2014 15:59:39 GMT 10
You Must Enter A Name that is one of my fave random you tube finds Whenever I don't want to do anything, my excuse is "but I am le tired" and hubby's response is "well have a nap... then FIRE ZE MISSILES!"
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Post by You Must Enter A Name on Aug 19, 2014 17:28:50 GMT 10
You Must Enter A Name that is one of my fave random you tube finds Whenever I don't want to do anything, my excuse is "but I am le tired" and hubby's response is "well have a nap... then FIRE ZE MISSILES!" haha yeah, a very oldie but also a very goodie. I also like "Double ewe tee eff mates?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 21, 2014 20:27:03 GMT 10
Italian Mama
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female flatmate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just flatmates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you? "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving Mama
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Jokes
Aug 21, 2014 20:35:56 GMT 10
Post by You Must Enter A Name on Aug 21, 2014 20:35:56 GMT 10
Jay, nice one mate. that's priceless.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 24, 2014 22:55:11 GMT 10
This is a real tough one!!
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....
You suddenly realise who it is.............................................................
...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza (the hook handed bastard)
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 29, 2014 20:36:20 GMT 10
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.
I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'
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