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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:41:23 GMT 10
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:42:00 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:42:00 GMT 10
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
" Christmas Island , Australia ,!!!...There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2014 22:43:25 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Feb 17, 2014 22:43:25 GMT 10
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk,
he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 28, 2014 10:58:43 GMT 10
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote many letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 9, 2014 19:37:54 GMT 10
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a bowl of chili
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry
bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to
his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
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Jokes
Jun 9, 2014 21:18:29 GMT 10
Post by graynomad on Jun 9, 2014 21:18:29 GMT 10
Ha ha, some good ones there.
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Post by StepfordRenegade on Jun 10, 2014 5:17:22 GMT 10
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Post by graynomad on Jun 10, 2014 17:50:03 GMT 10
The programmer looks at the glass and says it's full, 50% with fluid and 50% with air.
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Post by graynomad on Jun 10, 2014 17:56:32 GMT 10
Ok,while I'm being anal, here's a test someone posted on Facebook and the answers.  That seems to have killed the FB thread  |
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Jokes
Jun 10, 2014 20:33:10 GMT 10
Post by StepfordRenegade on Jun 10, 2014 20:33:10 GMT 10
Haha love your response! I was thinking 121
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myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075 
Likes: 1,232
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Jokes
Jun 12, 2014 20:06:35 GMT 10
Post by myrrph on Jun 12, 2014 20:06:35 GMT 10
nope.. its a circular kinda question where the last value tied to the first. 1 = 11 hence... 11 = 1 |
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:47:15 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:47:15 GMT 10
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:47:54 GMT 10
Frank likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:47:54 GMT 10
THE PERFECT DAY,
FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café.
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer.
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body.
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe.
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers.
10:00 Hot shower- alone.
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY,
FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blow job.
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport.
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet.
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club. (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine. (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blow job.
12:30 Play back nine. (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport. (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas.
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle.
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson.
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave.
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated!
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits.
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game.
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer.
11:30 Night-cap blow job.
11:45 In bed alone.
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to leave the room!
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:48:19 GMT 10
Frank likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:48:19 GMT 10
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. Sure, go ahead = You better not
7. We need to talk = You're in trouble
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you bloody moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am tired = I am tired
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am hungry = I am hungry
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:48:48 GMT 10
Frank likes this
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:48:48 GMT 10
TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.
10. You can trade an old 44 for two new 22's.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on
the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman....
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:49:22 GMT 10
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot
to her husband:
Buy me a surprise for my birthday!', she said. 'Something that
accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
So I bought her a set of blue scales.......
Doctor says in a few days I should be able to move without assistance.
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:49:46 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:49:46 GMT 10
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship.
1. It is important to find a partner who works around the house, occasionally
cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a partner who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a partner who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a partner who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is most important that these four people should never meet!!!
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:50:34 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:50:34 GMT 10
The Loving Husband .
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the New
2005 models. I saw one I really liked..."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$75,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted Last
year is back on the market. They're now only asking $1350,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1250,000 and see how we go."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Jokes
Jul 5, 2014 22:51:12 GMT 10
Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:51:12 GMT 10
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so
loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added,
'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 5, 2014 22:51:30 GMT 10
When a terrorist/freedom fighter dies, he or she is suppose to go to paradise, where he or she enjoys the delights of 72 virgins etc! etc! etc!
Ok, now that sounds all very fine and dandy, but lets
think about this for a while.
After the first three or four virgins I'd really be wanting someone who knew what the hell they were doing!
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