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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 6, 2016 11:32:15 GMT 10
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Post by ziggysdad on Jul 6, 2016 12:47:16 GMT 10
I'm new to NormanGunston, but those were hilarious!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 6, 2016 14:08:14 GMT 10
He had a tv shows eons ago - well ahead of his time as a comedian!!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 7, 2016 10:33:18 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 11, 2016 17:16:21 GMT 10
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to Know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 16, 2016 0:57:46 GMT 10
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the coming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day... Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 20, 2016 19:01:58 GMT 10
This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today…
Dear Broken Hill High School, God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe. The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f#*k off. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all. Sincerely, Edna
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Post by ziggysdad on Jul 20, 2016 19:58:38 GMT 10
Maine Temperature Conversion Chart (apologies, but this is Fahrenheit...32F=0C)
60 above zero New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.... People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero Californians shiver uncontrollably....... People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above Italian cars won't start..... People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above Distilled water freezes..... Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats..... People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above New York landlords finally turn up the heat.... People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees People in Miami cease to exist.... Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below Californians fly away to Mexico.... People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below Hollywood disintergrates..... The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
Up to here is pretty accurate...what follows...lets just say the Patriots are the most winningest team in football for the past 15 years
-60 below Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below Mt. St. Helen's freezes... People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below Santa Claus abandons the North Pole..... Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297 below Microbial life survives on dairy products.... Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below ALL atomic motion stops..... People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 below Hell freezes over...... The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
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Post by ziggysdad on Jul 21, 2016 13:56:24 GMT 10
I couldn't resist a few more while in Maine
Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week
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Post by Joey on Jul 22, 2016 19:05:58 GMT 10
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shinester
Senior Member
China's white trash
Posts: 3,119
Likes: 3,578
Email: shiny@ausprep.org
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Post by shinester on Jul 23, 2016 9:41:25 GMT 10
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Post by Joey on Jul 23, 2016 20:19:02 GMT 10
A professor at the Parramatta University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."
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shinester
Senior Member
China's white trash
Posts: 3,119
Likes: 3,578
Email: shiny@ausprep.org
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Post by shinester on Jul 26, 2016 1:38:50 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Jul 30, 2016 21:47:47 GMT 10
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Post by Peter on Jul 31, 2016 23:07:18 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 1, 2016 20:29:18 GMT 10
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, Do you think he'll jump?
Bob said, You know, I bet he'll jump.
The blonde replied, Well, I bet he won't.
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, You're on! Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. Fair's fair. Here's your money!
Bob replied, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.
The blonde replied, I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!
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Post by Joey on Aug 1, 2016 22:49:07 GMT 10
The Phone Call method that really works
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and when I dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Me could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and, put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "you’re an asshole!”.
It always cheered me up.
When Caller dial came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller dial program? He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him. back and said,-----“That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the supermarket, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some bloke in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. But I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his Phone number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at I802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the cars parked right out front".
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?, "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea:. I called Asshole # I "Hello" "You're an asshole!" I said, (But I didn't hang up) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen.” "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at I802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer parked out in the front.”
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said "Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at I802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called a couple of TV Channels about the gang 'War going down on west 34th Street. Then, I quickly got into my car and headed over to west 34th St.
There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and the TV news crews, and all the neighbours.
NOW I FEEL MUCH BETTER!.
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 25, 2016 18:22:29 GMT 10
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.
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Post by ziggysdad on Oct 25, 2016 23:54:00 GMT 10
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Post by ziggysdad on Oct 25, 2016 23:56:11 GMT 10
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