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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:26:41 GMT 10
The guys at the golf course asked me to name an actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:37:42 GMT 10
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Brisbane, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:40:07 GMT 10
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floor have never been visited.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 24, 2018 21:41:30 GMT 10
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 27, 2018 21:56:12 GMT 10
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 27, 2018 21:58:32 GMT 10
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”
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Post by SA Hunter on Jan 27, 2018 22:00:28 GMT 10
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 9, 2018 0:02:49 GMT 10
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off!'
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 9, 2018 0:14:12 GMT 10
WHY?
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 9, 2018 0:19:23 GMT 10
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel documentary about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When a black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and suggested. "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband. "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there." He replied.
"Wow! You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No. It's turned black!"
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Post by Peter on Feb 9, 2018 20:40:56 GMT 10
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
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Post by Peter on Feb 19, 2018 23:41:30 GMT 10
I searched YouTube for "this country's stuffed" and this came up. Although it could never be broadcast nowadays (too many snowflakes would be offended), it's classic Australian comedy.
For non-Australians, "wogs" was a term used years ago for southern-Europeans. Boonie was a great cricket player - an awesome batsman with an epic gut and the godfather of all mustaches...
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 24, 2018 1:45:20 GMT 10
A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike
and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has
run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar
to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So that's exactly what I did."
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 24, 2018 1:47:53 GMT 10
Hung Chow calls his work and says,
'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
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Post by SA Hunter on Feb 28, 2018 17:02:14 GMT 10
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wants us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you and Mum."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to Church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One Bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite these people to dinner?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 8, 2018 20:14:08 GMT 10
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 14, 2018 23:08:39 GMT 10
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
and Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
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Post by SA Hunter on Mar 14, 2018 23:59:46 GMT 10
Bob walked into a sports bar just before 6pm.He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I'll bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5pm news, so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money
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Post by SA Hunter on May 9, 2018 11:29:48 GMT 10
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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Post by SA Hunter on May 24, 2018 22:15:16 GMT 10
Today's word is Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was very irritated ..She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change? "The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
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