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Post by SA Hunter on May 24, 2018 22:20:53 GMT 10
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog
while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
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Post by SA Hunter on May 25, 2018 18:50:17 GMT 10
An Irishman applies fo a job, but the office manager won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now the CEO of Qantas!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 11, 2018 19:09:26 GMT 10
Two men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week?" " Aww, bugger it ! " says his friend, "... I just joined Rotary!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 11, 2018 19:12:07 GMT 10
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.” Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 11, 2018 19:30:34 GMT 10
A Nottingham woman has lost her case at Nottingham magistrates court today, after she tried to sue "NUH Queens Medical Centre" after her husband went in for an operation which left him unable to have sex with her afterwards.
Mrs Minger of Bulwell aged 67 said to reporters outside court this afternoon "Me and me 'usband Fred 'ave 'ad bangin' sex till 'e went ta 'ospital and 'ad 'is operation, now 'e's not interested 'n me and it's all down to them twats" !
The surgeon who performed the operation and attended court to give evidence said "all we did was removed Fred's Cataracts" !
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 20, 2018 19:03:14 GMT 10
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.................... A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Boral deliver the f*%#ing bricks on time.'
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 20, 2018 19:05:29 GMT 10
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 20, 2018 19:06:29 GMT 10
First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it.......followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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Post by Peter on Jun 23, 2018 21:55:58 GMT 10
I can't think of a better thread for this. WTF?
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 23, 2018 22:09:31 GMT 10
I can't think of a better thread for this. WTF? wtf??
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 18, 2018 21:19:01 GMT 10
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of fury, cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that old rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, YOU ARE!!! I'm gonna burn down the Barn."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 18, 2018 21:32:13 GMT 10
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment... The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b#tch out the window."
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 18, 2018 21:47:10 GMT 10
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ..... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 18, 2018 21:55:21 GMT 10
"Hey, how much you charger, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style? "No" she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300."
"No," she says. "I pay you $400.
"No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to Do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was OK. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US! Screwing us and we pay.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 18, 2018 22:01:38 GMT 10
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?
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Post by Peter on Jul 18, 2018 22:56:23 GMT 10
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled… "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death. This one made my day.
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 24, 2018 23:37:24 GMT 10
While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was broken. So, I asked my wife if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge And she agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets. One for the sink and one for the bath tub.
When the Manager was finished, Helen asked him, "How much are those faucets?" The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive. The price for both are $5,000".
Helen exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The Manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one. From the backroom the Manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Helen shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."
This is why you just can't send a woman to Bunnings.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 3, 2018 21:59:50 GMT 10
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard, to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! but why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
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Post by Peter on Aug 4, 2018 22:49:01 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 20, 2018 18:53:17 GMT 10
*THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST* I was a very happy man. My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car !
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