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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:02:14 GMT 10
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:03:37 GMT 10
Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:08:30 GMT 10
A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:10:55 GMT 10
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:12:26 GMT 10
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:19:06 GMT 10
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a lion out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
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Post by SA Hunter on Aug 27, 2018 22:40:14 GMT 10
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
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Post by Peter on Aug 27, 2018 23:18:19 GMT 10
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted." Even Mrs Pete laughed at this one. Brilliant.
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Post by Peter on Aug 27, 2018 23:18:44 GMT 10
Hang on - she just told me that I did that once. Oh dear...
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ml8300
Senior Member
Posts: 191
Likes: 214
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Post by ml8300 on Aug 27, 2018 23:42:28 GMT 10
Hang on - she just told me that I did that once. Oh dear... Have you tripped over the cat and farted as well??
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Post by Peter on Aug 28, 2018 19:25:59 GMT 10
Yep. And I don't even have a cat.
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 2, 2018 0:20:54 GMT 10
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,
"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 2, 2018 18:09:53 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 2, 2018 18:18:03 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 12, 2018 20:49:39 GMT 10
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... why do you let the bartender do it?' "Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
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Post by Peter on Sept 12, 2018 21:01:58 GMT 10
Oh dear...
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Post by Peter on Sept 20, 2018 22:04:08 GMT 10
Not so much a joke, but IMO possibly the funniest scene in cinematic history. How the hell do they keep straight faces?
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Post by SA Hunter on Sept 20, 2018 23:04:26 GMT 10
Not so much a joke, but IMO possibly the funniest scene in cinematic history. How the hell do they keep straight faces? That is hilarious!
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 8, 2018 22:59:21 GMT 10
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip..."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10....
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh@t out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say, “Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Post by SA Hunter on Oct 23, 2018 9:31:22 GMT 10
The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff. . . Dad. . . . I became a prostitute . . . ."
"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK, Dad . . .but before I go, I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside . . .. . Plus a membership to the country club..(takes a breath). . . And an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff . . . . A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh!! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
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