myrrph
VIP Member
trying to figure out how to change my nick :P
Posts: 1,075
Likes: 1,232
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Post by myrrph on May 20, 2020 0:30:46 GMT 10
shhhhhhhh .. thats how its supposed to work! *cue darwin photo in background*
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on May 29, 2020 9:04:45 GMT 10
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on May 30, 2020 20:16:52 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:26:48 GMT 10
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
Latest Corona Virus Advice:
Couples - no touching, no kissing, and definitely, no sex.
Married Couples - carry on as normal
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:30:32 GMT 10
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:32:58 GMT 10
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:34:11 GMT 10
A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:35:01 GMT 10
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:35:30 GMT 10
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
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Post by SA Hunter on May 31, 2020 3:36:05 GMT 10
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Jun 3, 2020 19:51:51 GMT 10
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Post by SA Hunter on Jun 3, 2020 22:20:56 GMT 10
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Post by spinifex on Jun 4, 2020 18:22:11 GMT 10
Why can't the Chinese play cricket?
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Post by spinifex on Jun 4, 2020 18:29:34 GMT 10
Because they ate all the bats
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bushdoc2
Senior Member
Posts: 372
Likes: 465
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Post by bushdoc2 on Jun 4, 2020 20:27:00 GMT 10
I don't give a rats' arse, because I can't...
My usual supplier of rat's arses is in Wuhan and they are closed for now.
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Jun 4, 2020 20:43:01 GMT 10
Why can't the Chinese play cricket? Because they ate all the bats They probably ate all the crickets too!
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kelabar
Senior Member
Posts: 399
Likes: 469
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Post by kelabar on Jun 4, 2020 21:15:57 GMT 10
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Tim Horton
Senior Member
Posts: 1,763
Likes: 1,948
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Post by Tim Horton on Jun 13, 2020 15:34:02 GMT 10
Now that things are starting to loosen up a bit, a man in the hardware store was saying to his buddy he met there....
This isolation has been a unique thing in that my wife and I have spent enough time together to repeatedly go over all the things I've done wrong all these years....
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 1, 2020 21:17:42 GMT 10
An old Italian man lived alone in New York.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincento,
I'm feela pretty sad, because I won'ta be able to plant my tomato garden thisa year. I'm justa too old to be digga upa garden plot.
I know if you wasa here my troubles woulda be over.. I know you would be happy to digga the plot for me, like in the olda days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
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Post by SA Hunter on Jul 13, 2020 0:18:34 GMT 10
Australia is like the Spice Girls. It's always Victoria who f*cks it up for everyone else.
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